July 11, 2005

Terrifying Larry Ellison plot revealed

[I posted this to USENET some years back. In the unlikely event you remember the references and find this funny, see also my satire about Java's Duke mascot.]

EAST NEWARK, Calif. July 31, 1999 (W-I-R-E-D News) - A terrifying video tape purportedly showing Oracle CEO Larry "Lawrence" Ellison conceiving a dastardly plot for world domination has just been discovered.

The video, obtained through trusted but unnamed sources, shows Ellison - dressed in full Samurai regalia and petting a stuffed Koi fish - discussing the details of his plot. The video, although grainy and very low-quality, appears to have been shot in Ellison's secret mountain fortress high above Newark in the East Bay Area.

"Henceforth, I shall no longer be known as Lawrence Ellison! From this moment forward, I shall be known as Supreme Samurai Shigetoshi of the clan Hasegawa!" the tape begins. "We shall install NCs in all of America's motel rooms! America shall entrust its data to me, the Supreme Samurai! The PC Revolution shall finally be quelled! We shall have access to all data! All Britney Spears fakes shall be mine! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"

The tape reveals some technical details of the plot. The "Motel Rules" sign on the back of each motel room door will be replaced with a two foot by three foot poster, printed in six point type, listing common Linux commands, explaining how to remove Netscape lock files, explaining what to do when Netscape crashes, explaining how to figure out how many Netscape windows can be opened before Netscape crashes, explaining how to tell whether Netscape is just thinking or has actually crashed, explaining how to figure out if Netscape will print anything after having printed 'Starting Java...', explaining how to set the classpath, and explaining how to reboot the system. "America shall gladly give up her hard drives simply to prevent Netscape from corrupting them!"

A spokesperson from Oracle's Apologistics department stated that the tape is "an obvious forgery." He stated that "these are the types of ideas you only have when you're really, really drunk. You know, almost-about-to-pass-out drunk." However, he went on to say "the NC idea does have a lot of promise."

We attempted to contact Ellison for comment after yesterday's 'Rock Against Microsoft' concert at Cupertino Community College. As we followed him to his solar-powered JavaCar(TM), he stated "the tape is an obvious forgery. I have no comment." Shortly thereafter, he asked "Anyone know what 'Class com.chevy.Start Not Found' means? Anyone want to help me push start this thing?"

Posted to WackyHumor at July 11, 2005 11:29 AM

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